Why You Need a "Do Not Detail" List

Be careful what you say out loud. It can come back to bite you (but not in the way you might think). No, I’m not talking about gossiping. Or talking shit. Or getting caught up in other people’s drama (although I don’t recommend any of those things either).

I’m talking about telling our own stories. About our day, about our week, about our past, about our current moment, that we tell and retell to other people. It keeps your drama and stress alive.

Most of the time we call it “venting”. But have you ever considered that all venting is doing is reheating the stressor. The fire had gone out in your nervous system, but then you retold the story and got all worked up again.

I just made this mistake. I had a professional situation that sorta blew up in my face a few weeks back. Someone was very unhappy with me, which turned into a basket of misunderstandings. And of course it all began with miscommunication, as it does. We sorted it out, but man did I hate the entire thing. My nervous system was jacked. My ego was lit. And I just wanted it to be over.

It would have been, technically. Except that I decided to re-open my own can of worms a few days later by complaining about the entire thing to a friend. Suddenly, my nervous system was right back in it. I was lit up again. Pissed. And very much still overthinking and reeling, even though I wasn’t logically or situationally there with it anymore.

This isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to keeping painful situations alive because I won’t stop telling the story – in full dramatic detail – to people who will listen. Part of this is because I loveeee a good story. And I know how to tell one. But mostly rehashing doesn’t serve me. The stress of a situation from the past gets to live into my future because I won’t just put it down. I won’t stop talking about it.

I’m not saying that we don’t tell our best friend, our mom, our sister, something that’s been going on and get their feedback, advice and input.

But I am saying that maybe not every single one of your ever-loving-friends needs to hear the story in all of its utter details.

Once a situation has reached a conclusion, maybe just leave it there. Doesn’t mean you don’t give someone the high-level recap of the problem and solution. But it probably does mean that you emphasize the recap of it all. Not the Hollywood play-by-play.

< hiiiii writing to myself here. I’m guilty, guilty, guilty, so guilty of the play-by-play>

This isn’t a new problem, or a new intention for me. I’ve made a “do not detail” list in the past. It includes:
• Ex saga. And definitely don’t use his name.
• Other people’s relationship issues.
• Book drama editor ish.
• That one very, very weird situation from 2021.
• Getting wronged by person 1 and person 2.
• Rehashing old fights to new people.
• Dog fight between my pup and a German Shepard
• My neighbor’s damn Christmas Lights.

It's a living list. But the thing all these things have in common is they’re negative and mostly recent. They get me fired up when I retell them.

You’ll find that the further you get away from the situation the easier it becomes to forget the details (hallelujah) or not take the bait to go into full detail and simply give the TLDR instead. So they naturally fall off of the “do not detail” list.

Look I get it. Sometimes stories that don’t need to be detailed…are helpful for context especially when we’re building new relationships, friendships or catching up with a bestie we haven’t seen in a while. Go ahead and give them the context. But avoid the temptation to bring an old situation to life in all its color. All that’s going to do is drop you right back where you were, the place you worked to get over.

Leave the past in the past and start focusing all that storytelling energy on the things that bring you joy, that light you up, inspire you, and make you laugh.

It makes a difference. Woman on xx