What We Get Wrong When We “Relate”

When was the last time you felt really seen in a conversation with someone? It's the best feeling. It's like you belong there, with them. Time passes. Insights flow. Questions get answered. And you walk away feeling cherished and loved, even if just for that moment in time.

The beauty of these gatherings – whether it's on the phone with your best girlfriend, a family member, your partner or even a stranger in the park – is that they leave you feeling better than the way you felt when the conversation started.

However, there’s a lot of things that didn't happen in a situation where a conversation left both people feeling completely wonderful...

You didn't talk about yourself the whole time.
You didn't listen to them talk about themselves the whole time.
You didn't debate. Or attempt to influence.
You didn't project your life onto theirs, and neither did they.

Rather, you did this one thing. It's the same thing that they did for you...

You listened. You asked a question. Then you asked a follow-up question. And you got those questions in return. You let yourself be completely present with the person in front of you.

When we don't do this...when we instead vie for attention...or try to “relate” by interjecting with a story or comment about ourselves...we engage in what sociologist Charles Derber has coined “conversational narcissism.”

He watched 1500 recorded conversations and how they unfold and took note of all the ways people are trading and leveraging for attention. He found that many people succumb to conversational narcissism, even with the best intentions, because instead of generously listening, we look for a place to interject our own experience.

In the name of “relating” I've done this. I've been a conversational narcissist. Whether it was to show my experience, to show my shared pain, to show my equal understanding, or just to show off...I've listened to someone in the name of trying to figure out what I should say. Instead of listening to someone in the name of trying to understand.

The only way to understand is to ask. Whether you're asking questions of yourself. Whether you're asking questions of them. Or a body greater than both of you. It doesn't matter. The key to a great understanding and great conversation is a warm question.

Try being the best question-asker you know this week. I bet your relationships will get deeper and your conversations better. People will learn from you and start returning to you the questions you need to be understood and to be seen. We have a habit of mirroring people in that way. Being fully present in a conversation with someone is one of the easiest ways to lighten their day, and I have a hunch it’ll lighten yours.

Woman on xx