A Whole Different Way to Spiral

I’m sure most of us are no stranger to a good, emotional downward spiral. If somehow you’re new to spiraling, it’s that lovely moment when something negative happens – maybe a rejection, the thought of rejection, a fight, a mistake, the idea of a mistake, a memory of something in the past – and suddenly you’re in a tailspin of negative thoughts, emotions (and if you don’t catch it: actions) that feed into each other and make your entire perception of reality worse.

I hate the spiral. Mine typically takes the form of ruminating thoughts about a situation that get heavier and faster and worse until there’s an elephant of panic in my chest. However, I’ve gotten pretty good over the years – really good actually – of not ending up there. I thank meditation and working out and external processing and really good friends for keeping me from that final destination. It is a way better place to be than this time three years ago when the spirals were mostly hidden from others but wildly unchecked within me.

And then a few weeks ago happened. If you’ve been following along here you know that for the last several years I’ve been working very seriously and passionately on my first novel. Well, a major and delightful milestone was achieved when I handed that manuscript over to my agent and her colleague who’d be reading and evaluating it. Within a matter of 24 hours, I went from so proud of myself for reaching this place (and so unbelievably grateful for the time and talent of the two women who’d be reading it) to standing on the edge of a spiral, wondering if I had the strength to keep from sliding down it…because what if they hate it? What if there’s no “there” there? What if I wasted their time…and mine? What if I invested in this pursuit for nothing? What if it’s not even remotely close to having what it takes? What if what if what if what if?

When I say there was a burning in my chest that I couldn’t shake, woof. But I sat with it for days. I went back to all my tools to keep from doing the actual spiral, which included picking up a new book. In those pages I read two words, completely out of context to my current situation, but that got me thinking in a whole new way.

Spiral Upward.

SPIRAL UPWARD!!!!!!!!!!

What would it look like – in our most vulnerable and worried moments – to spiral upward? Upward toward magnificence? Upward toward love for ourselves? Spiral upward toward belief and possibility and self expression and enthusiasm and trust.

I know it’s not always possible. I know that spiraling upward when you’re teetering on spiraling downward is aspirational. But I can tell you from experience that the mere act of reminding myself that in moments of doubt, there’s just as much possibility to spiral upward as there is downward. Why reach for the bottom when we can reach for the stars? Why not believe that’s what we want is possible for us, eventually. Because it is.

So I don’t know what you’re doubting right now. I don’t know what’s keeping you up at night. And I sure don’t know what worries have you teetering on the edge of the spiral. But remember there’s the option to spiral upward, if you’ll have a little faith in the process of life…and most importantly a lot of faith in you.