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A surprising way to get more of what you want

 

More. A greater amount or degree.

For a long time, more was like a tuning fork calibrating my life. A consistent resonance that informed my choices. How much could I achieve? How much could I build? How far could I get? How big? How far? I was first in line to do whatever it took to transform what I was holding into a handful of plenty.

This relentless pursuit is probably familiar to you. We’ve lionized it in a number of ways: hustle culture, capitalism, follower counts, technology that tracks everything (I mean shit there’s probably something out there that could optimize my breaths per hour of sleep). I’ve signed up for all of it. Dabbled in most of it. Evangelized my fair share. I can tell you that I never actually arrived at more. That’s the funny thing about the entire premise…inherent in “more” is the fact that we can never actually grasp it, hold it, feel it, revel and celebrate in it. Instead, it’s permanently one step in front of us, begging in an intoxicating whisper that if we keep pushing for more, more is what we shall get. But we don’t. The only thing on the other side of the threshold of more is the nagging pain of less.

I don’t want more, anymore.

I want depth.

But what is depth? It’s everything under the surface of what we’re expected, trained, and groomed to want. The unknowable currents we discover by going there. Unseen motivations that move us to ease and peace. We can get to the still water of enjoyment below if we’re able to leave the seen and measurable behind. And get our dive on.

In the life everyone else is living, X is time and Y is what you accumulate in life (“more”). It’s flat and 2-D. There’s not much texture there. So if you want to live life in 3-D, you’ve got to find your Z coordinate. Your depth.

We find depth when we start looking for resonance and alignment…in everything. In every area of our lives. Gone are the days we’re OK with accumulation for accumulations sake. It has to feel good. It has to expand us. It has to create a life force. It won’t always be easy but every part of it feels right for us, not right based on what others think or say. Or what the world says or expects of us. But right in our hearts.

What it takes to arrive at depth isn’t easy. It’s actually the thing our very biology is fine-tuned to avoid…which is the possibility of nothing.

To have what you want, let go of what you have.

But, jokes on us, because between letting go and receiving isn’t exactly a timely exchange. Not when it comes to the good stuff anyways. This is as true in our personal lives as it is in relationships as it is in our careers as it is for any meaningful change. We have to sit in the possibility of nothing, detach from what we once were all about, in order to get what we desire. That’s how we get into alignment for where we want to be.

I’ve experienced this over, and over, and over again. I’ve recoiled at the idea of turning down opportunities in the past because I worried about what would come. But it’s only in that space and confidence of saying no, that I had available energy to say yes to what would eventually come. That space of nothingness lasted for months and it was uncomfortable. It required faith. I’ve experienced it in relationships, too. Letting go of love is no easy task, the detachment is terribly hard to bear. But to know that you’re not getting what you need is to know that something has to change. Saying that out loud, that your needs aren’t being met, requires a willingness to end up with nothing in order to arrive at the kind of depth of partnership you expect.

This process of grappling with the possibility, and often the realities, of nothing – in the pursuit of life’s depth – requires trust.

You’ve got to trust yourself. That you’ll be fine when your hands are empty. That what you desire most is on its way to you. That if what and whom you’re surrounded by isn’t making you feel fully alive and grateful and vibrant, then there are people and dreams, and experiences out there that will. You just haven’t gotten there, yet. You just haven’t met them, yet. And you won’t unless you choose to meet yourself. When you realize how strong she is, how OK she’ll be even in the nothingness between what she let go of for what she doesn’t even know she’ll have yet, you’ll develop that trust.

You don’t need more. In fact, you might need less. In the process of letting go and the trust of what will follow, you’ll find depth in your experience…but most importantly, the depths of trust you have in yourself. That’s a relationship you can be pretty damn sure will bring this whole journey of existence to a climax.

So, what do you want? And what or who do you need to let go of to have it? Whatever it is, believe and know and trust that you’ll be OK in the inbetween. Nothingness won’t kill you. Rather, it’ll evolve you into the woman ready to receive. 

 



My words are written just for you.