A daily habit that stifles your success

In the days before the internet, social media, and television…did comparing plague our psyches as much? Obviously, ‘keeping up’ has been a part of culture for some time (did you know the idiom “keeping up with the Joneses” is from the early 1900s?). But back then you only had like ten neighbors to compare yourself to and a collection of family members.

We 2022 humans, however, have about 8 billion people we can compare ourselves to thanks to the internet. No matter where we look, someone has something we don’t. Social media and reality television instantly serve up someone to compare yourself to. Pick literally any dimension, aspect, or part of your life and there will be someone who has got it better than you. All you need to do to mix a cocktail of misery, jealousy, and self loathing is open your phone and get down with a quick scroll on your feed of choice.

I have just as bad comparison tendencies as the next person. When I was a kid, I was always comparing my curly ass hair to all the girls who had straight and glossy locks. When I was in my early 20s, I compared the size of my hips to girls half my height. In my late 20s, I compared my career to people twice my age. Do you notice the trend? Comparison tends to happen in ways that aren’t remotely logical.

These days, if I’m being particularly bitchy (to myself), I’ll compare my relationship, my house, my skin, my writing, or my outlook to people I’ve deemed to have it better than me. I find that a few too many glasses of wine, a skipped workout, too much sugar and a pitcher of caffeine will make those comparison loops a special shade of impossible-to-ignore neon. 

The wild thing about the habit of comparison is that it doesn’t work. It doesn’t get us any closer to what we want. In fact, it creates distance. I don’t know about you, but when I’m comparing my writing to someone else’s, I’m not rushing to rewrite a page so that it’s better. I’m shutting my computer and sulking. I do the opposite of what would help elevate the skill or attribute I’m comparing. And funny how when we compare, we never punch down. We’re always only ever comparing ourselves to the people who have what we don’t. 

We all know not to do it, not to compare. But the real question becomes HOW to not. And then how to bounce back once we inevitably do. 

In my journey of minimizing comparison, there’s a few things that have helped me. Remember, this is a journey. It’s something that can get better if you make some changes. Which you should, because comparison drains the beauty of the things worth cherishing. 

Celebrate, even if it feels sorta fake (at first). When you see someone you deem as beautiful and fit….when you walk into someone’s home that’s curated and gorgeous…when someone achieves something that you’d die to do….force yourself to lean into happiness for them. Don’t recoil. In my early 20’s I worked with a body image coach who taught me to see bodies that I thought were perfect and beautiful and “so much better than mine”, and to acknowledge their beauty like I was looking at a work of art (instead of shitting on myself for not looking like them). It was a transformative trick, not only because it changed the way I talked to myself. But because you will not welcome into your life what you do not celebrate in others. 

Log out of your comparison weak spot. I don’t scroll through social media, for the most part. My best friends generally know that unless they’ve texted me pictures of their kids, dogs, travels, or new bangs, I most likely didn’t see it. It’s how I safeguard myself from comparison rabbit holes while still engaging with the platform that supports my biz. If you find yourself feeling like total crap every time you’re on Instagram, get your social media usage under control. Logging out will make you think twice about the mindless browsing you do. Or set app timers on TikTok or IG. Limit the ‘unconscious scroll’ so you can prevent drowning in the comparison deep end.

Practice gratitude when you feel comparison popping up. As in, the moment you feel yourself comparing, force yourself to mentally name one thing you’re grateful for about yourself. A few years into writing my nightly gratitude journey, I realized I was always saying ‘thanks’ for things that happened to me, or felt like fortunate gifts in my life. So, I started encouraging myself to add in something that I’m grateful about my own self, my own choices, my own actions. We need to be grateful to/for/about ourselves as much as we’re grateful to others. Shifting from comparison to gratitude is the quickest way you can change the feeling of jealousy in your body.

If you find comparison is actively showing up in the same area of your life (career, love, health, creativity, habits), there’s some information there. Don’t let it become a habit, something you just “unconsciously do”. It stifles your progress because that’s probably the same area of your life that needs some attention. Where there’s some unmet potential. Comparison won’t help. But actively creating a plan to go from where you are to where you want to be…that shit works so get after it.

Woman on xx